


with grace

by cheshireree (shyfoxes)



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempts at angst, Flower Language, Hanahaki Disease, Haru is mentioned, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 15:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16835527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shyfoxes/pseuds/cheshireree
Summary: Sousuke is in love with Rin and it's slowly killing him.





	with grace

Sousuke could only blink slowly, hoping that the red petal on his lap would disappear after each brief moment of darkness as he blinked. It didn’t happen. It was there, plain as day; a red camellia petal and the small pool of water still trailing slowly down his chin. He didn’t bother to wipe it away, all too conscious of how soaked one of the collar of his shirt was. Sousuke closed his eyes and sighed. Somewhere a dull ache to his right kept him from trying to find a semblance of peace.

_Hanahaki disease_ , He thought bitterly. As if he didn’t have enough to deal with.

He looked over the railing of his shared bunk bed, relieved that Rin had gone for his usual morning run, even on a Saturday. He had probably left at the crack of dawn, as usual, Sousuke thought wryly, while Sousuke had slept. He had to huff a laugh at that. He had always admired Rin’s dedication.

A watery cough bubbled up unexpectedly, causing Sousuke to pitch forward. He braced a hand to the railing. His mouth hung open as another petal slid its way down his tongue, water clogging his throat as it fell almost perfectly beside the first.

[[MORE]]

He clicked his tongue in annoyance. _Of course_ it would be the same shade of red as Rin’s hair.

-

Concealing things from Rin was one of the toughest things Sousuke had to do. Rin, as they’d both come to understand all those years ago, was his alter-ego, another half of himself that could read his thoughts and actions almost as well as himself. For all that he could read Rin, the reverse was the same. Rin was nothing if not perceptive. Bull-headed and impulsive but perceptive. Sousuke can barely count the times in these past few weeks already that he hasn’t had to grid teeth against teeth and dig his toes down in his shoes against pain so Rin cannot see what he’s hiding.

It’s worse somehow now that he was going to be coughing up flowers and water at random intervals. The pain in his shoulder was now being joined by the binding pain of intertwining branches and viciously blooming flowers in his chest. He could feel exactly when a branch was expanding, rubbing painfully as if it were trying to break free of his ribs.

But Sousuke knows the cost of Rin finding out that his shoulder is busted and they’ll never be side by side on the world stage. He also knows that he’ll ruin Rin with his feelings, a mess of overwhelming shame that washes over him like ice water and threatens to swallow him whole.

So, Sousuke did what he knew how to do best. He clamped his mouth shut and endured.

-

Rin dug his knee into Sousuke’s cafe, popping his head around Sousuke’s side to grin at him, all sharp teeth and coy halved eyes. Sousuke felt his pulse jump, hands squeezing in his jacket pockets.

“Not bad today, Mr. Nationally Ranked,” Rin teased. “You really blew everyone out of the water at practice. Well, nearly everyone.”

Sousuke smiled, cocking his head to roll his eyes at Rin. He watched his friend’s eyebrow jolt up, sharp smile never leaving his face.

It was always like this, and it thrilled Sousuke to no end. One of them would start the spark, goading the other one until they were both so riled up and wanting that they’d devolve into childish competition, grappling at one another in some way until one was declared winner and the other promised they’d get them back. Sousuke lived for this, the feeling of challenging Rin and being challenged by Rin. His body hummed, naturally leaning towards Rin as it always had.

“What, am I to believe there are swimmers on my level all the way out here?” Sousuke asked, feigning ignorance.

Rin scoffed; “Not _just_ your level. Better,” Rin said, smile going dangerous. His hand hovered over Sousuke’s chest, the tips of his fingers nearly brushing the fabric of his jacket. Sousuke grinned.

“Oh, and who’s that?” Sousuke goaded.

“This gorgeous guy standing right before you,” Rin said, proud. “Swim team captain, Free-style and fly champion.”

“Are you sure? I don’t see anyone but the wall right now,” Sousuke said, lifting only his eyes to look over the top of Rin’s head at where their desks sat side by side against the wall. The top of Rin’s head stayed within his periphery.

“Oi!”

A hard jab had him looking back down at Rin’s, tracing where that finger was connected at the center of his chest and right towards its owner. Sousuke couldn’t explain the warmth even in such a brief touch. Rin’s eyebrows were drawn down, but he was still grinning assuredly.

“Trust me when I say we have all year for me to kick your ass, free-style or fly. We’ll see who’s nationally ranked then, won’t we?” Rin said.

Sousuke batted away Rin’s hand gently, holding both of his up in mock surrender with a grin.

“Just don’t cry when you lose, Rin,” Sousuke said.

“Oi! I won’t cry and you know it!” Rin hissed. He turned with a huff, his jacket sliding down to reveal a shoulder. Sousuke eyed it too obviously, grateful that Rin was turned away. Rin grabbed some papers, straightening them up before he addressed Sousuke again. “Besides, it’s not just me you have to worry about. There’s still Iwatobi. Haru is a force to be reckoned with.”

A branch expanded in Sousuke’s chest, a newly formed bud twitching near his lungs. A pressure teetered at the back of his throat, but he fought it down. Sousuke swallowed and tried to will his body back to warm.

“Yeah,” He said simply, noncommittal. “I know that.”

Rin looked over his shoulder at him quizzically, one brow quirked but didn’t say anything. Sousuke only grinned and made some excuse to go to the bathroom. 

-

He locked himself into a shower stall, cold water on full blast as he retched out his stomach. Water mingled and flooded down the drain, halted only by the rush of camellia petals flowing from his mouth. Sousuke only saw a blur of red between his own tears that gathered but didn’t spill, and the haze of water. It didn’t escape him that it was like looking at Rin just at his periphery, akin to being aware of him in the water, but only focused on the goal.

The cold water had at least cooled down his shoulder. But what was only a few had increased so quickly. Sousuke coughed, a petal stuck to the back of his throat, and gasped for breath.

Sousuke pressed his head against the tile of the wall and took deep breaths, relieved that he was at least alone with his shame.

-

Sousuke humored Rin and their mock relay against Iwatobi as “Team Shark”, buds taking first bloom in his chest. He can feel them unfurling as he waited at the starting block for Rin to touch the wall. He could see Nanase taking off, the sharp curve of his back as he descended and took off. He’s off, too, the moment Rin’s fingers touch cement, arms eating up distance between him and Nanase.

The water was dark, and the dull ache in his chest and in his shoulder kept his mind from wandering, barely noticing Nanase to his side as he kicked off back to Rin and the other two. The camellias in his chest sing as Sousuke finished only a few seconds behind Nanase.

He retreated behind a store room, head bowed between the bushes and a hand desperately trying to stop the flow of petals.

Sousuke’s only reprieve was to allow himself to be as gloomy as he pretended he wasn’t when Rin’s back was turned.

\- 

“Hey, Sousuke, do you ever think about what it would have been like if you hadn’t transferred here?” Rin asked. “Like, if we’d really waited until the Olympics or so to see each other again.”

“Not really,” Sousuke said. He willed away a nagging thought, back to Rin at his desk. “We would have found each other some way, I think.”

He could practically hear Rin’s grin. “So, like star-crossed lovers, eh? No matter the distance you’d have found your way back to me?” Rin heaved a sigh. “I can’t really imagine that. I’m surprised you made it here at all, to be honest. How many times did you get lost coming all the way from Tokyo to see me?”

Sousuke swung around at that, mock scowl on his face. “I didn’t get lost at all. I was perfectly fine navigating without you.”

“Oh, is that right? You can’t even find the cafeteria without me, _Sou-su-ke_. It’s hard to believe you even found your classroom that day.”

Sousuke can see Rin lounging on his bunk, propped up on one elbow as he shoots decidedly terrible looks at Sousuke while making fun at his expense. It’s an all too nice image that have his palms sweaty. Sousuke grinned a little secretly to himself. Embarrassing Rin was always one of the best ways to win, sometimes.

Sousuke shrugged; “Maybe I got drawn to you and that’s why.”

Rin’s cheeks turned pink, grin temporarily drooping open in embarrassment before he snapped it shut. He sat up quickly, only barely remembering to duck his head as he stuttered out indignantly at Sousuke.

“D-Don’t just say such embarrassing things like that, idiot!” Rin exclaimed. “It’s not funny!”

Sousuke grinned, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Shy is a good look on you, RinRin,” Sousuke said. “I thought you liked all that romantic junk?”

“Coming out of your mouth it’s practically like watching pigs fly,” Rin mumbled. “It’s weird.”

“Weirder than a guy who shaves his whole body?” Sousuke teased.

“Its for cutting down seconds on my swimming and you know it!”

“I didn’t think you loved anything more than tonkatsu and swimming to be able to say something like that,” Rin muttered.

“You’d be surprised,” Sousuke replied.

Rin’s eyebrow quirked again, eyes boring into him but no words being said. Sousuke grins good-naturedly hoping to placate him before swiveling back around. His chest rattles like the ocean as Rin settles back on his bed quietly.

-

“Sousuke,” Kisumi had said. “You know this is dangerous, don’t you? This isn’t a laughing matter. It will _kill_ you.”

“Of course I know it,” Sousuke grunted. “Does it look like I’m taking it lightly?”

Kisumi eyed him suspiciously, dots connecting at light speed in his head, Sousuke can tell. Kisumi wasn’t accidental when he sat on Sousuke’s left. He wasn’t accidental either when he nervously rubbed the camellia petal between his thumb and index finger, uncharacteristically quiet and pensive.

“You need to get surgery, Sousuke. It needs to be removed,” Kisumi said.

For a brief moment, Sousuke panicked, wondering if Kisumi had worked out that his shoulder was not in fact back to one hundred percent. He resisted the urge to rub at it, if only to try and escape his other childhood friend’s hawk eyes. Sousuke really knew how to pick them, he thought wryly.

“I’ll deal with it. Don’t worry so much,” Sousuke muttered.

Kisumi scowled; “How can I not worry, Sousuke? My childhood best friend who is in love with my other childhood best friend is slowly killing himself because he’s in one-sided love with said other childhood best friend. How am I supposed to feel?”

“Kisumi…”

“You need to let go, Sousuke,” Kisumi whispered. “Let go, get surgery, tell Rin. Do something! But please, Sousuke, don’t resign yourself like this.”

Sousuke’s shoulders sagged, and hung his head. He nodded slowly, watching Kisumi’s hand nervously drumming in the small space between them. He touched the back of his hand for a moment in reassurance.

“After I help Rin win Nationals, I’ll do it. I’ll get the surgery, I promise. Just. Just, let me do this, okay?”

“Fine. But, not a moment later. Or _I’ll_ tell Rin, Sousuke. I mean it.”

“I know you do. Thank you, Kisumi.”

-

Cold water ran down Sousuke’s face as he knocked the back of his head against the shower wall tiles. His fingers dug into his shoulder, face grimacing and twisted as he dug his teeth into his lower lip. He wouldn’t cry out, he wouldn’t. He squeezed his eyes shut, feet sliding out from under him as he bent his head, falling towards the shower floor. Sousuke breathed heavily through his nose, knees coming up to his chin as pain throbbed like fire.

Sousuke barely had time to brace a hand to the floor before he was parting his mouth unwillingly and letting whole camellia flower heads rush out. They cascaded over his jaw, floating in circles in the shallow pool on the shower room floor. Sousuke groaned pitifully, trying force himself back into alignment and failing horribly. Blurry spots of Rin’s hair floated back and forth in Sousuke’s periphery.

Sousuke coughed, petals flying, as another flower head threatened its way out. He swiped away the ones bobbing towards him like a magnet and forced himself to his feet.

He still had something to do, god dammit, and it wasn’t about to end just yet. Not yet. He still needed to swim with Rin. He crushed a petal between his teeth and walked out of the shower room.

-

The camellias almost feel as though they are closing in on themselves in his chest when he finally confessed about his shoulder to Rin. Sousuke could be bobbing weightless in the ocean when he can finally say it, grounded only by Rin’s hands on his swim jacket and his tears soaking his chest.

His fingers found purchase in Rin’s long hair, trying to soothe him as his cries turn to hiccups and only his shoulders shake.

Sousuke, Nitori, and Mikoshiba convince Rin to let Sousuke swim with him one more time. The camellias bowed their heads in his chest, and his shoulder roared hell, but Rin’s calling was so much louder that Sousuke had little doubt he’d wouldn’t reach the otherside.

When all was said and done, and Iwatobi advancing to the Nationals (Sousuke feeling nothing but his own wry elation for them, a victory hard won and more than met to Samezuka’s own), Sousuke could truthfully say he had found half his closure.

“I finally saw it, Rin,” Sousuke said.

Rin teared up again, just like he thought he would, ducking his head only once to sniffle as he kneed Sousuke in the thigh. Sousuke exhaled serenely.

“Took you long enough,” Rin muttered, voice wet.

-

There are old, dried petals in Sousuke’s bunk that he had forgotten about. Probably he was too lazy some morning to clear it away aware that Rin wouldn’t have reason to go up there. If he had wanted Sousuke he wouldn’t have either kicked his bunk from the bottom, or hoisted himself up to bend over the bars and flick Sousuke between the eyes.

Rin had insisted that Sousuke take the lower bunk after they’d come home after a thorough scolding from the doctors, coaches and Sousuke and Rin’s parents and Gou collectively. He had mounted the stairs after Sousuke had assured him that he’d sleep fine, and zeroed in on the dying red hiding just under Sousuke’s pillow.

“Sousuke,” Rin called. “Why are there petals in your bed?”

Sousuke froze; “No reason, Rin. Just throw them out.”

“How long have they been up here? I don’t remember you bringing home any flowers at all this whole time,” Rin continued. There was an edge to his voice. “Your bed sheets look a bit discolored too. Did they stain the sheets?”

“Rin,” Sousuke warned, weary. “It’s nothing.”

“Don’t you start that shit with me again, Sousuke,” Rin seethed. He dropped heavily down from the stairs to the floor, the sound echoing. “You promised not to hide from me anymore. What are they?”

Sousuke’s mouth thinned. The water in his chest was pouring in, filling up like a tank the longer a silence stretched between them. The camellias inside of him rocked with the water. He looked up at Rin’s eyes, at the hard edge around them and the patience clearly wearing thin.

“I think you know,” Sousuke said slowly.

“I want to hear you say it,” Rin countered.

Sousuke ground his teeth together, hands fisting almost instantly. Shame twisted around inside of him hideously.

“It’ll ruin you, Rin,” Sousuke said, voice rising angrily. “Why can’t you just drop it?”

“Don’t decide things for me, asshole! You know a lot of things I could possibly say, but you don’t know everything. You and I still need to actually _talk_ to see eye to eye now and then. So, _talk_.”

“Rin,” Sousuke pleaded. “No.”

Rin’s hand touched Sousuke’s right shoulder, nails scratching at the brace under his thin shirt. Rin’s lips were slightly parted, lower lip pressed between his teeth. His eyes were wet but he didn’t cry to his credit. His mouth barely seemed to move as he said, “Please”.

All the fight drained from Sousuke, then. He rested a hand to Rin’s and let the water rock within him.

“I love you,” Sousuke said, defeated. “I always have, but I think I only just realized it when we started rooming together.”

Rin searched his eyes, quiet. “So, you’ve been dealing with the whole time? Along with that shoulder injury?”

Sousuke nodded. “I have.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Rin said around a sigh. “Such a big, stupid idiot.” He cupped Sousuke’s face with his hands, thumbs rubbing just under Sousuke’s tired eyes. He drew Sousuke down and smiled as kindly as he could. “I’ve always loved you, too.”

Rin pulled Sousuke into a kiss. When they finally pulled apart, Sousuke felt as though it was the first time he could finally breathe in months. He bent down and kissed Rin again, not missing the smile flashing on his face as he swallowed Rin’s laugh.

-

Sousuke: **_< <Looks like I might not need that second surgery after all>>_**

Sousuke: **_< <Rin loves me.>>_**

Kisumi: **_< <Well it’s about time>_**>

**Author's Note:**

> as requested by starrynightgazingpie, hereee is an old sourin fic from the archives of my tumblr---> shyfoxes.tumblr.com
> 
> tumblrrr link here--> http://shyfoxes.tumblr.com/post/146001835188/sousuke-is-in-love-with-rin-and-its-slowly
> 
> title subject to change
> 
> original author's comments:  
>  -
> 
> AN: Hanahaki byou (花吐き病): The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.
> 
> Red camellia: (In Japanese flower language) In love, perishing with grace (according to wikipedia at least). (Red) anemone and carnations were close runner-ups in consideration. And for a little while, red spider lilies.
> 
> There doesn’t seem to be a fic like this for them? I don’t write angst often so i tried my hand because I wanted to get better at it. There’s some other angst fics, or angst-ish ones for them coming….eventually.
> 
> I apologize that it isn’t the best, I’m admittedly not as happy with its outcome and my current skill level. But practice makes perfect, anyway. Comments and thoughts are welcome!
> 
> Honestly, though, how do I stop writing sourin loool.
> 
> Here’s some of the other flowers I had considered:
> 
> Red columbine - anxious and trembling  
> Red anemone - forsaken, fading hope  
> Daffodils - unrequited, new beginnings, love me back  
> Red Begonia - future misfortunes, dark distracting thoughts, fear  
> Red carnations - my heart aches for you, admiration  
> Red camellia - in love, perishing with grace  
> Red spider lily- abandonment, never to meet again, lost


End file.
